ASK ME IF I CARE:
DR. KNUCKLEHEAD,
I am a sixteen year old crack addict. Last week I borrowed my mom's car, a 1998 Toyota Forerunner, and told her I was going to the movies with some friends. Well, I got a severe jones and I sold her car to my dealer for $60 worth of crack. I had him beat me up and told my mom that I got carjacked, but
I think she's beginning to get suspicious. What should I do?
--- Rocky
DEAR ROCKY: Put some crack in her coffee every morning. When she's
good and hooked, introduce her to your dealer. He's got a new customer,
she's got a new monkey on her back, and you're free to suck the glass dick right on the living room couch during cartoons. Plus, maybe your Mom and your dealer can "work sumthin out" to get her truck back.
Everybody's happy and addicted, except your dad. You'll have to do him mob-style.
DR KNUCKLEHEAD,
I've got a problem. I'm young and I'm pregnant. But that's not the worst. It's my brother's baby. I don't want to tell my mom and I'm afraid if I have an abortion, my brother will be mad and stop sleeping with me. Please help me.
--- Confused and in Love
DEAR CONFUSED: Tell your Mom someone else knocked you up, and keep the kid. Mongoloid babies are funny.
DEAR KNUCKLESHUFFLERS:
Will the good guys ever win?
----Hopeless in Holland
DEAR HOPELESS: No.
GAZZETTE GUYS:
I'm just about to turn eighteen, and am considering a career in either
pornography or childcare. Any suggestions?
----Nympho in Niagra
DEAR NYMPHO: While childcare is a noble profession, it just doesn't pay that well. Also, you'll run yourself ragged chasing those snot-nosed little bastards all over the place. On the other hand, pornography offers flexible hours, a competitive salary and yards and yards of free dick for the taking. What's more, you can lie on your back (depending on what scene they're shooting) virtually all day! I think I'd go with porno.
DEAR GAZZETTE:
My parents recently got a divorce, and I can't make up my mind which one
to stay with. I mean, Dad really gives it to me like a man should (hard
and often), but Mom makes some mean fudge (rich, creamy, and lots of
it). Help!
---Fat and Fucked in Florida
DEAR F&F: I'm afraid I don't know what to tell you. Just remember: You can't have your cake and eat dick too.
GUYS:
What do you think Bill Clinton's penis really looks like? Paula Jones
said it had 'distinguishing characteristics', but other women he's
committed adulterous acts with have said it's perfectly normal.
This has kept me up nights, so I'd really appreciate a straight answer.
----Penile and Puzzled
DEAR P&P: It can't be a pretty sight. Just look at what kind of disgustingly hideous things it can produce. For example, Chelsea.
SKUNK-BOY, MANUEL LABORE, AND POOH-T:
I'm a twelve-year old smoker who's finding it hard to buy cigarettes.
Do you think I ought to buy them by the carton from now on to avoid the
hassle; or should I just say 'fuck it' and move on to heroin like all my
friends?
----Tony
DEAR TONY: It's a great question and I'm glad you asked it. Let me just say this. Both heroin and cigarettes will kill you. The difference is cigarettes don't give you any kind of real buzz AND they kill you. Trust in your peers. After all, who knows what's good for you more than they do?
YOUNG GODS:
I'd like to start my own nude pay site, but I'm sixty, missing a breast,
and have running sores along the insides of my thighs. Do you think
there's a market?
-----Well-lubed in Wilmington
P.S. - I'm sending a sample photo.
DEAR WELL-LUBED: They're a market in my pants and it's growing by leaps and bounds. Bring it on!
KNUCKLEHEAD GAZZETTE:
I really like this girl at school, but when I asked her out she told me
I'd have to pay like everyone else.
I only get a dollar a day for lunch, and she charges twenty. I don't
know if I can wait that long! Should I just forget it and ask someone
else out, or should I be patient and save? She's really special.
----Frustrated Freshman
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Hit your parents up for a raise in lunch money. Say a dollar a day. Now just save up for two weeks and go for it. If something is special, it's worth paying top dollar for.
EDITOR:
How much do you guys pay for articles? I've written a few, and my Mom
tells me they're really good. She and my Dad think they're worth at
LEAST one thousand dollars each; they told me so. But you guys pay more
than that, right?
----Judd
DEAR JUDD: Please accept this as your first rejection letter. You'd have to pay us to print any of your material if this letter is any indication of your writing ability you stupid non-writing piece of whale shit!
P.S. - Tell your mom that me and the boys said thanks for the five on one. She sure is a trooper!
I KNOW WHO YOU GUYS REALLY ARE:
AND IF I CATCH YOU MESSING AROUND WITH MY SISTER ONE MORE TIME, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN ONE BY ONE AND GUT YOU LIKE THE ANIMALS YOU ARE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
---Homicidal in Hampton
DEAR HOMICIDAL: Take it easy pal. We were through with her any way. In fact , I'm pretty sure that LaBore just sold her to some Indian gentleman for about a thousand bucks!
FRONTPAGE
